Five Things That Make the new Puma Kits Great, Actually

Listen up, you negative nellies. I’m sick and tired of all the unrighteous fury surrounding BVB’s new Champions League kits, designed by Puma. It seems that the entire Borussia Dortmund fanbase has swelled to a fervor against these kits, and for the life of me I don’t understand why. Not only do I think that these kits are beautiful, I think they are the most beautiful kits that BVB have ever worn, and that those of you who are criticizing them simply don’t have the requisite fashion sense and level of sophistication to properly appreciate them.

Here are five reasons why I absolutely adore the new kits:

Their sleek, minimalist design

Some of you cynics in the audience might be temped to call a design that is essentially a blank yellow shirt with the words “BVB 09” printed in plain text on the front “lazy”. What you fail to realize is that there is nothing lazy about it; it merely embraces the concept of minimalism, a highly-complex artistic style that has existed for decades. Nobody complains about it when Apple does it! Look at this: how is this design functionally different from a Macbook?

Wow! If only they had facial recognition software.

This may be a surprise to all you kids with social media-induced short attention spans, not every piece of clothing needs dozens of flashy features to look good. Puma doesn’t need diamond studs, polka dots, vertical stripes, or… well, anything, to make their kits unique. Anybody can throw up some Jackson Pollock-level design, but it takes someone with real courage to pass off a blank shirt as something unique. And folks, the fine people at Puma have done just that.

They help the visually impaired

I don’t talk about this very often, but I have Keratoconus, a genetic eye disease that makes my vision remarkably poor. It’s nice, then, when big corporations like Puma keep those like me in mind by printing the club’s name in large, easy-to-read text.

To all of you folks with 20/20 vision, seeing the club’s name slapped haphazardly on the front of a template in big block letters might make it seem like Puma were simply phoning in their efforts to avoid having to do something creative and save money. That’s downright unfair. By pasting the club’s name in block text across the front, it makes it much easier for me to know which team I’m watching. I’ve thought about this for a very long time, actually, and I haven’t figured out any other possible way to determine which team is which, other than reading the name across the chest of the shirt.

There’s certainly no other way to tell with these particular shirts, because this design isn’t even specific to Dortmund. The kits Puma designed for all their client clubs use the same exact template, which brings me to my next point:

They’re economically efficient

I was an Econ major in college, so this aspect of the kit’s design is right up my alley. Puma designed a series of kits for a variety of clubs using the exact same template, only changing the shirt color, sponsor, and the club’s name in each design:

To the uneducated commoner, this may seem like “being cheap, unimaginative, and lazy”, but to a scholarly economist like myself, this is simply an efficient practice of the principle of economies of scale. You see, creating a bunch of different and unique kit designs would cost a lot of money, but by creating one template and then making a bunch of minor changes for each club, they save a lot of money on the design and manufacture of the kits. Every other aspect of modern football is designed to wring out as much profit as possible; why should these kits be any different?

They’re the hottest item in town

I always like to be in line with the latest fashion trends, and these kits are no exception. While I have never technically seen a single person wearing these kits, or even express interest in wearing them, I know for a fact that these shirts are the single hottest item on the market.

Here’s how I know. A bunch of websites, including Puma’s online store, have stopped selling the kits shortly after displaying them. While many argue that this is due to the ongoing (completely unjustified) backlash against the kits, I would argue that the only reasonable explanation for them disappearing from the stores is that the kits are so popular that they sold out in moments. I for one was lining up ready to go with my mom’s credit card, but even I wasn’t quick enough to purchase a shirt.

They’re useful for a variety of household activities

Okay, fine, you don’t want to “wear the shirts” because they “look ugly” or whatever. What you fail to realize is that wearing the shirt is merely one option you have. These kits still have a plethora of convenient uses for a variety of day-to-day household needs. These include:

• Washing dishes
• Cleaning your car
• Cleaning up spills
• Cleaning up vomit
• Being used as a sweat-rag while working out in a nicer shirt

Just like a shamwow, this Puma kit can be used to clean up pretty much any liquid, from the mundane like milk or soda to the truly vile like animal droppings, rotten roadkill, or some Paulaner beer. The best part is that no matter what stains your shirt as you’re using it as a rag, it’s hardly going to look any worse.