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Introducing the Random Erling Haaland Transfer Rumor Generator

We made a machine that writes your headlines for you!

FC Bayern Muenchen v Borussia Dortmund - Bundesliga Photo by Roland Krivec/DeFodi Images via Getty Images

Are you an internet soccer journalist in desperate need of clicks? Are you willing to post the vaguest, least-credible stories possible if it will get your otherwise anonymous online blog the slightest bit of attention? Would you be willing to sell out every minute of journalism school you suffered through for a chance to break the next big transfer rumor? If any of these apply to you, then I’ve got the machine for you.

We’re not in the transfer window at the moment, but that doesn’t mean there aren’t millions of football fans ravenous to read rumors of their clubs being ready to sign the next big superstar.

The problem is that actually uncovering and breaking legitimate transfer negotiations is tough. You have to find sources within clubs. You have to build connections. You need a good understanding of the footballing market to judge which rumors are easily dismissed, versus those that are more realistic. Why would you need to do actual journalism, when you can basically pull things out of your ass, and hedge them under various caveats and non-committal wording?

Sometimes, if you need clicks, you just need to throw anything at the wall to see what sticks. That’s why we here at Fear the Wall have developed: the Random Erling Haaland Transfer Rumor Generator, thanks to

Now, instead of putting in even the smallest level of effort to come up with clickbait headlines, you can let this machine do it for you. Just use the link above to access a generator with 79 unique rumors, enough to last you for months. And the best part is that you don’t even have to stick to Erling Haaland. You can use this generator for any player you choose: just change a few words here and there to make sure the headline makes sense. Or don’t — it’s not like accuracy matters anyway!

Note: not actually trademarked.