The Daily Bee (February 24th, 2021): Bayern Munich Trounce Lazio, and Mino Raiola Continues to Exist

Good morning everyone!

Bayern Munich Steamroll SS Lazio

There was more action in the Champions League yesterday, with Bayern Munich facing Lazio and Atletico Madrid facing Chelsea. While Atletico and Chelsea were busy passing the ball around each others’ back lines (with a spectacular bicycle kick from Olivier Giroud to add just a bit of spice), Bayern Munich were busy running roughshod over Lazio, with four goals inside the first 50 minutes to put the tie out of reach before it had even begun.

It was pretty surprising to see Lazio play like deer in headlights against Bayern, especially considering how well they played against Borussia Dortmund in the Fall. They looked dangerous at times, especially in transition, but they had no answer for Bayern’s forwards.

Oh, and they conceded this goal, because of course they did.

Mino Raiola Does What Mino Raiola Does

So Mino Raiola, the agent of all agents, the bane of sporting directors everywhere, Jerry McGuire if Tom Cruise was just in character as himself, fashion icon, lover of pizza and thrower of chairs, has spent much time recently doing what Raiola does best: stir up drama in the media.

Photo by Paolo Manzo/NurPhoto via Getty Images

Raiola gave an exclusive interview with the BBC recently, and one of the topics he touched on was the fate of one of his star clients, Erling Haaland. Because we BVB fans can’t go at least week without being reminded that he’s going to leave one day, right?

According to Raiola, there are “only” ten clubs in the world that would have the economic power to purchase Haaland, and that “only” four of them are in England. You might think that the clubs that could actually afford him would be fairly obvious and shouldn’t remotely be considered newsworthy, but by running a random football club generator 10 times through some hardcore journalism I’ve uncovered the full list of clubs that he’s talking about, and there are some surprising competitors:

Bayern Munich

Real Madrid

AFC Richmond

The Brandon Wheat Kings

Gryffindor Quidditch Club

Liverton

(For the purpose of this joke, Insert Qatari or Emirati-funded club of your choice)

Piemonte Calcio

Spurs

North Ham United

Who will sign Erling Haaland? When will they sign him? Why is Raiola wearing sunglasses indoors in the picture above? All this remains to be seen, and will be sorted out in due time. For now, Raiola will continue to stoke the fires of interest in Haaland, in an effort to drive up the star striker’s wages and transfer fee, because remember, with every dollar he makes for his clients, his bank account increases just a little bit more.

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