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Match Awards: Borussia Dortmund 0-1 Bayern Munich

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Borussia Dortmund v FC Bayern Muenchen - Bundesliga Photo by Federico Gambarini/Pool via Getty Images

Borussia Dortmund fell to Bayern Munich 1-0 in a scrappy affair. The game was a close one, but unfortunately, Bayern managed to score whereas BVB couldn’t finish the few chances they created. Here are our match awards.

The “Winged Hussar” Award: Lukasz Piszczek

For those of you who don’t know, the Winged Hussars were an elite shock cavalry unit from the late-renaissance Polish-Lithuanian commonwealth, famous for their decisive role in the Battle of Vienna in 1683. Piszczek was the perfect embodiment of a hard-hitting cavalryman against Bayern. Along with Hummels and Akanji, he effectively neutralized Lewandowski and Müller, with only a long chip from Joshua Kimmich breaking the ice for Bayern Munich.

His highlight of the night was an absolute bone-crunching tackle on Robert Lewandowski that successfully knocked the Polish striker off the ball just as he was winding up to shoot. He also had a goal line clearance in the 19th minute that kept Bayern from seizing an early lead. Overall, it’s hard to find a moment where he put a foot wrong, an encouraging fact given his recent one-year expansion with BVB.

The “Me, Sean Keyser, Dating Sophie Turner” Award for biggest long shot: Mahmoud Dahoud

Over the years, Mahmoud Dahoud has taken dozens if not hundreds of speculative long shots, and for years, those shots have sailed far over the net. Observers have reportedly spotted his moon shots making it as far away as Bochum and Essen. In fact, it’s speculated that a few that remain unaccounted for have even entered low earth orbit and are currently being tracked by NORAD. The law of large numbers suggests that, eventually, one of these shots will result in a goal. To this date, this has not happened, and Tuesday’s match against Bayern Munich was no exception.

It was a little different, this time, in that his two long shots actually made it on target. Unfortunately both were struck straight at Manuel Neuer, resulting in easy saves for the Bayern keeper. Both deflated promising attacking moves by BVB. While the results were disappointing, they could also be considered promising. Dahoud’s aiming has slowly improved over the last four seasons. If we only give him three or four more years, these shots might finally start going in.

The “Sodium Chloride” Award for biggest salt mine: VAR

In typical Borussia Dortmund fan fashion, I was very salty following BVB’s defeat to Bayern Munich. While the match was even and a draw likely would’ve been a fair result, Bayern managed to grab a goal and smother the game away during the second half. BVB should’ve done better to create chances in the second half, but there was one instant that Dortmund fans can reasonably claim should’ve gone their way. I’m talking, of course, about the penalty shout about midway through the second half, when a shot from Erling Håland struck Jerome Boateng’s elbow in an outstretched position.

Personally, I think it was a penalty, but either way, it absolutely deserved a review from VAR. Unfortunately, BVB didn’t push too hard for a penalty and took the corner that resulted from the play relatively quickly, so the referee never had an opportunity to go to VAR. A lot of BVB fans on social media were upset, because if it were called a penalty, BVB would’ve had a chance to level the score.

At the end of the day, the pressure was on BVB to level the score, and the fact that the penalty wasn’t given doesn’t change the fact that BVB had 45 minutes to find an equalizer and couldn’t muster anything more than a few speculative long shots.

The “Conn Smythe” Award: Alphonso Davies

Both Joshua Kimmich and Alphonso Davies had nights worth recognizing. I can’t bring myself to praise Joshua Kimmich beyond that, so I’ll instead give this award to Davies. He showcased his class as a defender on multiple occasions, with perfectly-timed tackles on Håland and Hazard. His pace is incredible: he was clocked at 35.27 km/h at one point, which enabled him at multiple times to make up ground on Håland and prevent the BVB striker from shooting. His play earned acclaim from many in the media and even his fellow players. Speaking of which...

The “Most Hilarious Joke of all Time” Award: Thomas Müller

I know a lot of you are probably feeling down after the defeat against Bayern, so I figure you guys can use a pick-me-up. Luckily, some of my friends are Bayern fans and sent me this gut-punching-ly hilarious clip of Thomas Müller doing a roadrunner impression.

Alright Sean, you can stop watching it on repeat now, you’ve got an article to finish.

Oh boy, I don’t even know why Müller bothers playing for Bayern when he could be writing for SNL or doing standup in front of huge crowds in Las Vegas. His impression could use a little bit of work, because the Roadrunner from the cartoons always only used two “meeps” instead of four, but other than that, the timing is great and the material is obviously superb. I wish anybody on BVB had natural comedic talent like this guy.