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RB Leipzig - Borussia Mönchengladbach Photo by Jan Woitas/picture alliance via Getty Images

The Bundesliga Fight Club: Swingers United

The real winner is the manager that hasn’t trimmed their fingernails

Fight sports are as old as time. Throughout human existence, we’ve used violence as a means to settle differences and entertain the masses. Humans are naturally drawn to the prospect of seeing the finest physical specimens pitted against each other, testing their capacity for violence and their ability to use their mind to overcome a foe with their bare hands. It appeals to our tribal instincts. Which is why the Bundesliga Fight Club is perfect in these troubled times. Of course, having each club’s most feared player step forward would be too simple.

Players get to settle their differences and work out all that aggressive energy on the football pitch. They don’t have as much pent up hatred towards each other (unless you’re Wilfried Zaha, who hates James Ward Prowse with the passion of a billion young loves). Meanwhile, no one ever thinks of the managers. They’re expected to just stand by, on the side of the pitch, and just watch their idiot children ruin all their good plans, all while the opposition coach wears that smug smile like he knows better. I bet they’d all love the chance to slap some of their opponents about. It’s about time they all worked out some of these differences.

Welcome to the Bundesliga Fight Club!

Qualifiers

Rose TKO Glasner

In the qualifying rounds of the tournament, Rose faces Glasner for a place in the Round of 16. The end result is not pretty. Glasner looks like a geography teacher, and it turns out his playing days were cut short as a result of a brain hemorrhage. So the less time spent detailing the consequences of Rose stomping on his head the better. Lets just say Wolfsburg might need someone else to teach the players about glacial rock formation.

Herrlich KO Nouri

The other qualifying bout pitches an octopus against the typical Bundesliga hipster coach. You know the kind: well-dressed, approaching middle-age, and usually busy coaching a philosophy that involves playing at 1 million miles an hour. The league spits them out at the same rate that the Premier League spits out dour northerner’s with weather-beaten faces. Much like the gaggle of angry, purple-faced Sunderland managers, the Bundesgeezers are usually dressed head-to-toe in team tracksuit, but the difference is that their tracksuits are specially tailored for a tight fit to their slender, wiry frames (the English prefer the “spilling out of a bin bag” look). Anyway, the ‘Steve Coppell stretched out on a medieval rack’ octopus strangles Nouri to death.

Round of 16

Baumgart KO Rose

Baumgart isn’t the tallest man in the competition, nor is he the most athletic. But he’s a terrifying beast nonetheless. Some people have a face that is built to eat punches, and if you take a look at Baumgart’s nose, it seems as though he may well have taken his out for a spin once or twice. All the size and pedigree in the world won’t do Rose any good against Baumgart. Before Rose has even had a chance to comb the oil through his beard, Baumgart has got him on the ground and is using doing that trick where you split an apple in half with your bare hands… Except in this case, he is using Rose’s head.

Gisdol KO Streich

No man that looks like someone molded a tribute to Mick Hucknall out of sausages gets this far in life without having crushed some skulls.

Markus Gisdol strikes a pose as he celebrates victory

Streich never stood a chance. Victory by suffocation with one of those donut cushions that people sit on when they have hemorrhoids.

Hutter TKO Fischer

Flick MD Bosz

Rosler UD Herrlich

Heiko Herrlich might have a reach matched only by Mr. Tickle himself, but I’m not convinced he’ll have the timing to use his leverage and recreate Hearns vs Duran. Rosler, on the other hand, is all heart and a little bit of technique. Imagine Marcos Maidana but much less lovable and considerably less cool.

Kohfeldt KO Favre

I’m not sure if there is anyone I’m picking Lucien Favre to beat in a fight. This daddy is no fighter. His best hope might be that Kohfeldt can’t bring himself to beat up such a defenseless person. His skin looks soft as butter and ready to spread all over the dugout.

Lucien braces himself as he sees Kohfeldt’s fist approaching his completely unprepared skull

Florian Kohfeldt may have some skills of his own, but those won’t really be needed here. He hits Favre once and Favre bursts like a water balloon.

Nagelsmann KO Beierlorzer

Despite being in his early 50s, Beierlorzer is in good enough shape to keep up with a younger foe. Thanks to a decent reach, he is able to establish a stiff jab early on, givin Nagelsmann something to think about. Unfortunately for the Mainz manager, however, Nageslmann is in excellent shape and has a bit of a mean streak. Nagelsmann was apparently a very promising young player before persistent back injuries put an end to his dreams of becoming a professional player, so we’re looking at a fighter with peak athletic pedigree.

Nagelsmann marches right through that stiff jab, catches Beierlorzer on the counter, and marches through to the next round of the tournament, with all the confidence of a man that plans to be here late in to the tournament.

Schreuder KO Wagner

Heading in to this fight, it seems like a real pick-em. Both managers are very evenly matched. Apart from in one area: Schreuder’s bowling bowl-sized skull. That weapon he is wearing on top of his jumper will be the real difference-maker.

On realizing he has been gifted with a unique superpower, Alfred starts wielding his head like a mace. However, Wagner is no quitter… Oh wait, yes he is. He’s had enough of fighting The Human Wrecking Ball. He’s heading straight back down the tunnel with The Thing in tow.

Up next in the Bundesliga Fight Club...

So we’re through to the quarter finals, and we’re starting to get a bit of a taste for some of the heavy hitters in this weird and totally unecessary tournament. Here’s how the bracket looks:

Will Steffen Baumgart’s years as the landlord of a flat-roofed pub in an impoverished small town just outside of Glasgow be enough to see him overcome the more pedigreed opponents left in the tournament? Is Alfred Schreuder’s skull actually breaking the strict “no weapons” rule?

Find out on the next episode of “Old people fight each other for our entertainment”!

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