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Borussia Moenchengladbach v Borussia Dortmund - Bundesliga Photo by Alex Gottschalk/DeFodi Images via Getty Images

The Bundesliga Fight Club: Donnybrooks at Dawn

With all this pent-up quarantine energy, it’s about time we forced old people to fight for our entertainment

In the desperate scramble for content during these barren days, a little bit of imagination is rewarded, and stupidity stops being a burden and starts being an angle. Which brings me to our latest feature: The Bundesliga Fight Club.

The Bundesliga hasn’t exactly gained a reputation for being coached by bruisers and hooligans. It’s a league full of tactical philosophers, well-dressed hipsters, and endearing old daddies. So it is hard to imagine the Bundesliga Bunch engaging in some extra curricular activity and settling their differences the old-fashioned way. This is what really sets the Bundesliga and the Premier League apart. The Premier League boasts some real geezers. The kind of old guy that drinks in your local, but never says a word. You’ve heard rumors that he has done time for maiming someone that owed him money, and despite his old age and less than stellar physical fitness, he gives the impression that he could ground and pound at a moment’s notice. The likes of Chris Wilder, Sean Dyche, and David Moyes all look game for a bit of argy bargy (Moyes is definitely a biter). Thankfully for Germany’s gang of weaklings, these sooks will only have to fight each other. They should count themselves especially lucky this season. For a brief stretch earlier in the year, Duncan Ferguson was a Premier League manager, potentially earning him a spot in the round ruckus. And if Big Dunc qualifies for the square go, well, I hope they can identify the victims from their dental records.

So which of the Bundesliga’s managers come out on top in a bit of car park tango? There’s only one way to find out:

A Brawler’s Bracket

All 18 managers were drawn at random, and unfortunately for Marco Rose, Oliver Glasner, Alexander Nouri, and Heiko Herrlich, 18 managers makes for a bad bracket. They’ve ended up drawn against each other in the first round, aiming to fight their way into the round of 16 with the rest of the gang. They are all fighting for the Brian Clough Trophy. The rules are as follows:

  • No weapons allowed
  • All managers must fight in their matchday attire
  • All fights take place in the dugout of a neutral stadium
  • Combatants win when their opponent is either knocked out or taps out

Here is where you come in — let us know how you see these fights playing out. I will consider the thoughts and feelings of the community (especially any violent anecdotes involving the participants) while I craft each round of this middle-aged ruckus, like a very weird and unnecessarily violent dungeon master. So who do you fancy? Any of these daddies got a secret penchant for throwing hands? One of these smallbois actually a grappling wizard? Maybe someone’s playing days taught them how to stomp skulls like a moose protecting it’s young? Lets get it on!

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