After a brief one-week hiatus, due only to the fact that I couldn’t be bothered to write them, the match awards are back! The good news is that Borussia Dortmund won a game. The bad news is that the next game is against PSG, so we only get to be happy for about 4 days. Enjoy it while it lasts. Here are the awards.
Denis Irwin’s Great Big Contributions Trophy
The Man of the Match/The MVP/The Best That Ever Lived/The GOAT
Raphael Guerreiro — Sometimes when Guerreiro runs with the ball he looks a little like a slinky falling down a set of steps at increasing speed. It’s chaotic, you’re not really sure how it works, but there’s an inherent beauty about it that you’ll never totally understand.
Here’s a gif of his mazy run through the fields of wheat that ended in another Dortmund goal on Friday.
It certainly helps that he also chipped in with a goal of his own, all of the interceptions left in the world, and a bunch of key passes too. He’s quite good.
The Carlton Palmer Award for Outstanding Contributions to Culture
The Award For the Most Cultured, Complete Midfielder with Lovely Eyes
Axel Witsel — With the arrival of Emre “Yes We” Can, Axel Witsel has been given a little more license to roam. Can lightens the load on the defensive end, and occupies opponents when Dortmund have the ball, allowing Witsel to find space and make things happen. Though this wasn’t the best performance we’ve seen from Witsel this season (mostly because we’ve seen him play out of his skin on numerous occasions), it was enjoyable to see the full range of his abilities. His passing range and vision was on full display when he put Sancho through on goal to score Dortmund’s second. Lovely stuff.
Steven Tyler’s Special Commendation for Ageing Gracefully
The Senior Citizen That Remembers When Defenders Came in Fours and Only Went Up For Corners
Lukasz Piszczek — We’re witnessing the ageing process happening before our eyes. The once sprightly Piszczek is steadily slowing until he will eventually turn into a pile of dust somewhere near the edge of Burki’s penalty area. But it doesn’t matter when the opposition plays so poorly that you are never required to up the pace of your evening stroll to a brisk walk.
Lukasz doesn’t want to close his eyes. He doesn’t want to fall asleep, because he’ll miss the ball, and he doesn’t want to miss a thing.
General James E. Hill Lifetime Space Achievement Award
The Player That Has Advanced Space Exploration With His Innovative Shooting Balls Into The Next Solar System Technique
Mahmoud Dahoud — There’s nothing more inspiring than the sight of Mahmoud Dahoud, a man that has lost more footballs in the Westfalenstadion rafters than he has had hot dinners, setting himself to take another shot from somewhere (anywhere) in the opponent’s half. If at first you don’t succeed, who even cares anymore, just keep doing it and grow a thick mustache while you’re at it. Why do you keep shooting from distance Mahmoud? Because you do what you want, that’s why!
A Valentine’s Gift That Was Dragged Out A Bin On The Way Home From Work
It’s The Thought That Counts, And The Rest of Them Definitely Forgot
Timothy Chandler — It takes approximately 3 hours and 40 minutes to get from Frankfurt to Dortmund by train. That’s 3 hours and 40 minutes, on a Friday evening, for all those Eintracht Frankfurt fans to witness their team manage only one shot in a 4-0 loss. That shot was not on target.