Kids these days are soft. They all want a pat on the back and a participation trophy. Not like my generation. It’s the kids that are wrong, not me.
This soft mentality is ruining sports too. Before you know it, we will be giving out awards to every player and every team just so that they don’t get upset for being rubbish.
Anyway, here’s a bunch of awards for lots of different players, some of which didn’t deserve anything.
The Matthew Le Tissier Trophy
The Man of the Match/The MVP/The Best That Ever Lived/The GOAT
Erling Haaland — It couldn’t really be anyone else, could it? Haaland took three shots, and scored three goals, and turned this game on it’s head. He clocked up an npxG of 1.6 in about 30 minutes. He might look like a baby’s head stuck on top of Slender Man, and he runs like he only just learned how to do it 15 minutes ago, but someway, somehow, it all works really well. He was devastatingly efficient in front of goal. It was a tremendous introduction.
Johnny Cochran’s Defensive Specialist
The Team’s Best Defender (Not Limited to Actual Defenders)
Can I vote for no-one? This was not a vintage defensive display from Dortmund, and the best that can be said about anyone on the defensive end is that they didn’t cause a lot of damage.
Mats Hummels — With that in mind, I’m giving Hummels the trophy to take home to show his mum this week. Mats was arguably the only defender that wasn’t in deficit by the end of the game, but his contribution was probably no more than net neutral. He was pretty active, winning 3 aerial duels, making 2 tackles, 2 interceptions, and 2 clearances, and he was pretty busy on the ball. His excellent distribution, and some lovely long balls in the second half made him easily the best player of the back three, and he wasn’t completely terrible defensively, unlike Akanji and Piszczek. Well done? I guess?
The Thomas Delaney Trophy
The Player That Worked Really Hard All Game Long (Whether it was Good Work is Another Thing)
Julian Brandt — He covered more ground than any other Dortmund player, had the 3rd/4th highest touches of the ball, and attempted the 2nd/3rd most passes. Our very own Gary Busey was incredibly industrious, and provided the spark that started the fire that was the BVB second half comeback. He has, on numerous occasions this season, taken the game by the scruff of the neck and dragged Dortmund back into the game. This game wasn’t quite that extreme, but his hard work made a huge difference.
The Bob Ross Award for Creative Contributions
The Player That Made Sublime, Underappreciated Art, While Entertaining All The Family
Jadon Sancho — Sancho was remarkable. If it wasn’t for the amazing Haaland debut, I think we would all be talking about Jadon Sancho instead. He was relatively quiet in the first half, but he came alive in the second half. In total, he contributed 1 assist, 7 key passes, and an xA of 1.3. Add to that his 1 goal, 3 shots, and npxG of 0.8. This was a tremendous performance.
I’d also like to add a nod to Thorgan Hazard, who claimed 2 assists and an xA of 1.1. He did a tremendous job of creating chances for those around him, and would be a deserving winner, but was just beaten to the line by Sancho.
The Adnan Januzaj Thank You for Trying Trophy
The Player that Had a Tough Day but Kept on Trying and Eventually Did Something of Note
Marco Reus — In an otherwise lackluster performance that involved a whole bunch of shots that hit anything but net, Reus also laid the ball through for Haaland to get his hattrick, and put the game to bed. Reus has received far too much negativity this season, and his contribution, even in games he is struggling in, is vital to Dortmund succeeding. Today was an example of Reus at his worst, but still playing an important role.
The Emre Mor “Oh No Baby, What is You Doing?” Award
The Player that Produced the Most Egregious WTF Moments
Manuel Akanji/Thorgan Hazard — They get to share the award this week. Manuel takes it home for the first half of the week, and then Thorgan gets it until Saturday. Akanji made a number of pretty terrible passes to Augsburg players, so he wins on quantity, but Hazard made a backpass to seemingly no one that created the first Augsburg goal, which was a very high quality error.