Are you excited for another season of FC Bayern Munich Football???
Come one, come all, and witness the continued degradation of the once-proud Bundesliga, as this club from Bavaria renews their march towards completely meaningless domestic dominance while remaining utterly futile against any actual competition in Europe!
Watch, as the evil empire racks up the points in the league through a series of questionable refereeing decisions and 89th minute penalties. Enjoy, as red-card caliber offenses go unpunished, while every single Arjen Robben dive results in a point to the spot!
Leading the helm this year is Niko Kovac, manager of last season’s upstarts Eintracht Frankfurt, and the latest example of anyone with a modicum of success in Germany fleeing to Bayern the first chance they get. Some Bayern fans are worrying about his lack of experience, but I say, don’t worry! The league is set to be so one-sided again that a drunk chimp could manage Bayern to domestic success.
Despite the stranglehold that Bayern has on the Bundesliga, many Bayern fans will argue that it’s all okay. That’s because Bayern Munich are the only club truly capable of carrying the honor of representing the very best that the Bundesliga has to offer. When springtime comes, and the final rounds of the champions league are afoot, only Bayern has what it takes to truly compete with the best.
It’s okay, Bayern fans: I’m sure this is your year.
Of course, it wouldn’t be a Bayern Munich summer transfer window without at least one star arriving from a key rival for free. This year, that star does not come from Dortmund, but from down the road in Gelsenkirchen. Leon Goretzka, a staple of Schalke’s midfield when healthy, will probably play some moderate depth role behind Thiago and James, while occasionally pitching in during the DFB-Cup. Of course, this won’t stop him from enjoying hoisting the Meisterschale come spring.
Goretzka is hardly the first one to arrive in Bayern seeking his next challenge. Mats Hummels, Robert Lewandowski, and many others have all come to Munich to press through the trials and tribulations of... completely cakewalking through the Bundesliga. I shouldn’t be too critical, though. Laying face-down in the grass while ¡Hala Madrid! blares in the background has got to be pretty mentally challenging the third time around. I know you’ll be able to fight through it though, because after you’ve gone home, showered, and gotten some sleep, you know you’ll be able to dance through Marienplatz in lederhosen with waves of Paulaner spilling from your steins, celebrating your latest Bundesliga victory.
Or, who knows, maybe Favre will bring Dortmund to a new level, and Watzke will miraculously find a star striker out of nowhere, and some semblance of parity will return to the Bundesliga. Or, maybe, Bayern will finally vanquish their champions league demons and kick the Spanish giants to the curb, bringing the Bundesliga back to European prominence. They’ve got the co-opted talent, money, and just the right amount of arrogance to make it happen.
But I doubt it.