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Why Schalke are the Greatest Team in History

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It’s good to be blue

Argentina v Belgium: Quarter Final - 2014 FIFA World Cup Brazil
Come on you smurfs!
Photo by Matthias Hangst/Getty Images

I have a confession to make. Even though I’ve been a member of this site for years, I haven’t been entirely honest with you guys. That’s because I’m actually an undercover Schalke fan, and today is the day that I emerge from the shadows, and make my case for why you guys should be too.

I’ll admit it, Borussia Dortmund have some good things going for them right now. They’re top of the table. They’re going to the Champions League round of 16 (So are we, by the way.) I also know that Schalke aren’t doing so hot right now, but that is but a temporary setback. The comeback will soon be afoot, just like a certain Revierderby whose 4-goal comeback has been immortalized in DVD format (speaking of which, buy yours now for the low price of $19.99, a.k.a. more than we received for Leon Goretzka).

Enjoy your time in the sun, Dortmund fans, because before the season is over, Schalke are going to rise like a phoenix from the ashes and assume our rightful place as the best club in the greater Ruhr Valley area. To convince you, I’ve prepared a list of reasons why Schalke are the superior club in every way to Dortmund:

#1: A high-octane offense

If there’s one thing Schalke players know how to do, it’s score goals. That’s why, as the following chart clearly demonstrates, Schalke lead the league in goals scored:

As you can see, we are such superior offensive threats that even your own club’s twitter account admitted it. At least you’re keeping it real and not deluding yourselves, right?

#2: Weston McKennie is better than Christian Pulisic

Now I’ll admit it, Pulisic edges out McKennie when it comes to that whole “playing soccer” thing, at least in terms of goals, assists, shots, dribbles, key passes, expected goals, expected assists, xGChain, and every other fancy-schmancy stat you nerds use. But McKennie, our own, infinitely cooler American, blows Pulisic out of the water in the one category where it actually matters: Fortnight-Dancing.

Look at those moves. How can you guys even root for BVB again?

#3: Did I mention the 4-4 comeback?

Seriously, the DVD is well-worth the price. It’s perfectly sized as a stocking-stuffer for the holiday season, and is great to watch every time Schalke gets eliminated from European Competitions. Personally, it’s cheered me up plenty of times this season, especially after our defeats to:

  • VFL Wolfsburg
  • Hertha Berlin
  • Borussia Mönchengladbach
  • FC Bayern Munich
  • SC Freiburg
  • Werder Bremen
  • Eintracht Frankfurt
  • Porto

In fact, if you buy now, it also comes with a complimentary t-shirt that immortalized that glorious day:

Remember, it comes FREE with your DVD, just like how we let Leon Goretzka go to Bayern Munich for free.

#4: Trophies are for losers anyway

Sure, we haven’t ever won the Bundesliga, or the DFB Cup since 2011, or any European Competition since 1997, but do you really need trophies to be happy? Doesn’t the relentless pursuit of physical objects go against what life is all about?

Besides, having an empty trophy cabinet means you have lots of storage space for all your DVDs that immortalized our glorious victories such as:

  • The 4-4 comeback.
  • That time we beat Augsburg.
  • That time we beat Real Madrid in the Champions League, even though they ‘technically’ advanced on aggregate.
  • The 2011 DFL-Supercup, a victory equally-memorable to BVB’s Bundesliga title.
  • Did I mention the 4-4 comeback?
  • That time we scored against Sir Alex Ferguson’s Manchester United in between four goals against, en route to a 6-1 defeat on aggregate.

Conclusion: Please Root for us.

Tomorrow is the Revierderby, a match which your club hasn’t won since 2015. To be honest, you guys are so much in our shadow that I don’t really care about the result one way or another. That being said: please, oh-please, root for us.

It’s not that we haven’t had anything else to hang onto during this pitiful season, it’s just that... well...

uhh...

Did I mention the 4-4 comeback?