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Pulisic to... come, on Bild. Really???

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No... just... just... no!

AFC Sunderland  v Borussia Dortmund  - Friendly Match Photo by Deniz Calagan/Getty Images

We all know that the media has a certain propensity to just pull rumors out thin air. Aubameyang to Inter, Nacer Chadli to Dortmund, Reus to Liverpool. When we see them, we shake them off, perhaps share a laugh with our friends at the water cooler: “Hey, you see that Sky is reporting Hamsik to Stoke? What a joke, right?” And then you move on. After all, it’s August, right? They’re light on stories as it is. You can’t blame them, really.

But then, you get a rumor like this. One of those rumors that’s just plain wrong. It’s not “wrong” like it’s more unlikely than any others. No. this one feels wrong almost in an existential, universal way. This rumor shouldn’t exist, in a philosophical sense. Humanity is, at the margin, worse off because of this rumor. Ok. Here it is. If I were you, I’d get a bucket.

* One last trigger warning *

Pulisic to RB Leipzig on loan.

Dear Bild,

STOP.

-Sean

This is just so wrong on so many levels. I know that Leipzig are a young team, up and coming, and well coached. I don’t care that cutthroat capitalism is one of America’s defining virtues. Christian “Captain America” Pulisic does not play for RB Leipzig.

If RB Leipzig need a young player, they can go gut that feeder club in Salzburg. Seeing Christian Pulisic in an RB kit would be like... you know what, I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have put that image in your head. To purge your brain, I give you this:

Aww!!! Look at him chewing his little leaves! :)

What was I talking about?

Oh, right. NO. Pulisic has already said he doesn’t want to leave Dortmund. Christian’s dad has said he doesn’t want him to leave Dortmund. MY dad doesn’t want him to leave Dortmund. So why is there any reason to believe this treacherous lie rumor to be true?

#EchteLiebe