Mere minutes after breaking the news that Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang's fairly clear message that he does not intend on leaving Dortmund this summer was actually an olde English mating call directed towards Manchester City and new manager Pep Guardiola, Sky Sports, among other outlets, can now exclusively reveal that Aubameyang plans to move on from the game of football entirely, in order to focus on his burgeoning passion for baking. This, coupled with his pining for all things related to Britain, a lack of European stature, islands, and large-scale event tents have led him to announce his participation in the next season of The Great British Bake Off.
Why England? We can only assume it's the exceptionalism the little country exudes in every facet of existence that draws Aubameyang in. Things like football. Penalties. Eating things one would normally not think to eat. Pop music talent contests. And what better place to launch his career as a pastry chef than the international masterclass of drama that is Bake Off? Aubameyang has never stated he wouldn't be interested in joining the show, making such an acquisition a foregone conclusion.
With a Donald Trump-esque grasp on material reality and the nature of facts, the English have shown a preternatural ability to predict these sorts of moves over the years. From Jurgen Klinsmann taking over the England managerial position, to Robert Lewandowski making a switch to Liverpool for god knows why, to Piers Morgan mercifully trading in his Twitter account and hosting duties for a broadcasting gig with the Philae Lander News Network, it's difficulty to match the top-notch rumor hunting these papers do. They are, in a word, sensational. There's little doubt that soon enough, Aubameyang will be hearing Paul Hollywood tell him that the flavors of his coconut-rum-toffee Napolean "are all there, but the consistency of the pastry and internal layers leave a bit to be desired" while Mary Berry nods off into her gin and tonic in the background.
Fear the Wall would like to thank Aubameyang for his years of service, his mind-blowing goal totals, and would like to remind him not to skimp on the butter whilst making his puff pastry for a beef wellington.